Where there is no Love

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October 3, 2021

When I first started this blog back in 2017, I had this little idea that I would just put down some of the thoughts I had regarding marriage.  Maybe just some of the ideas or considerations I had about being married and directed to both husbands and wives.

A really long time ago I when I had all the kids at home someone told me that a really great idea to be way more productive was to wait until all the children and my wife had gone to bed and then spend the extra 10 to 12 hours reading or writing or working – giving  up a night’s sleep to get more done.

And so I tried it for a few weeks – what a lousy idea – it’s so disordered and messes you up – like God got it wrong with only 24 hours in a day – I had to go ahead and try to put in a 32 hour day.

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Begin Again

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May 15, 2022

This is from the Ballad of the White Horse:

And this was the might of Alfred, At the ending of the way;

That of such smiters, wise or wild, He was least distant from the child, Piling the stones all day.

For Eldred fought like a frank hunter That killeth and goeth home;

And Mark had fought because all arms Rang like the name of Rome. 

And Colan fought with a double mind, Moody and madly gay;

But Alfred fought as gravely As a good child at play.

He saw wheels break and work run back And all things as they were;

And his heart was orbed like victory And simple like despair.

Therefore is Mark forgotten, That was wise with his tongue and brave;

And the cairn over Colan crumbled, And the cross on Eldred’s grave.

Their great souls went on a wind away, And they have not tale or tomb;

And Alfred born in Wantage Rules England till the doom.

And as a child whose bricks fall down Re-piles them o’er and o’er, Came ruin and the rain that burns, Returning as a wheel returns,

And crouching in the furze and ferns He began his life once more.

That made sense, right?  Or, maybe a little more explanation is needed?

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How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Sunday

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April 21, 2022

We spend so little valuable time with our spouses, that the last thing we want to do is ruin a perfectly good Sunday. It seems like of all days, it’s the day we should reconnect and recreate that spark between each other to carry us through the rest of the week.

But I recently had the opportunity and figured out how to ruin a Sunday, and as a cautionary tale, I thought I’d share it with you.

Don’t Get enough Sleep

First, go to bed late the night before. If you’re going to ruin a beautiful day, it’s best to be over-tired.  It’s hard to ruin your day if you get enough rest, so by all means, stay up too late, and maybe eat dessert, or have a couple of drinks really late so you don’t sleep well besides.

Don’t Communicate

Then, in the morning, if you’re planning to ruin the day, don’t communicate with your spouse.  Make a plan, but don’t include them. Now, I’m not talking about a ‘surprise’, because obviously, we want to keep that to ourselves, but on a typical Sunday morning, something as simple as taking everyone out for breakfast should be explained. Our spouse wants to be part of our thoughts, and our plans.

Be in a hurry

A really important part of ruining the day is to be in a hurry. Especially when you combine that with the above – your spouse is sure to be spinning – first, don’t tell them the plan, and then just be impatient and in a hurry – it’s sure to make matters worse.

Assume the worst

Then, and here’s the big one, then after you’ve not let them in on the plan, and been impatient, now when they don’t react like you expect, assume that their intentions are bad – accuse them of being inconsiderate. After all, you’ve had a plan for the day, and even though they didn’t know your plans, and you’ve been impatient, not to mention a little cranky due to lack of sleep, somehow they should have magically figured it all out and rolled with it.

Combine all of this, and you’re sure to fracture your Sunday into a dozen pieces.

 

But all is not lost. Even if you’ve pretty much ruined the day, you get to decide how it ends.

Go back to your spouse with true humility and sincerely apologize, and even if they aren’t quick to forgive you, because remember they counted on Sunday to reconnect and refresh their empty batteries and you’ve screwed it up. Even if they aren’t quick to accept your apology, love them and recognize your behavior, and ask their forgiveness, and because they do love you, they will forgive, and all will be well.

 

 

Legacy

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March 13, 2022

My boys are grown men, with wives and children of their own, so it’s a profoundly joyful time for me each year when they make it a point to visit me at the same time, and we go out to have dinner, drink beer, see a movie, and just be together.

One year we saw a movie together – martial arts, violence, etc., etc. – awesome bonding material – of course not much else in the movie was worth it – but there, right in the middle of it all a samurai warrior who is going off to die says this amazing thing to another, younger man:  “None of us knows how long he shall live or when his time will come, but soon, all that will be left of our brief lives is the pride our children feel when they speak our names.”

But when I hear it, more often I hear it slightly different, and it is this:

 

None of us knows how long he shall live or when his time will come, but soon, all that will be left of our brief lives is the Love our wives feel when they speak our names.

 

And I forget this almost all the time, but once in a while, I remember, and when I do it makes me stop and really consider what it is I’m leaving for my wife to remember me by.

I can count, sadly, the all too few love letters I’ve written my bride, but I’ve lost count of the times I’ve said a sharp word or hurt her through my pride or impatience.

How too few are the times I’ve watched a sunset while holding her hand, or walked with her, with no agenda, like nothing else was pressing, or waken her with a kiss.

And although I’ve been given several times every year to demonstrate my love for my beautiful wife, I’ve made far too few of these days important.

Instead it’s been the crush of this crazy life, tumbling me furiously like a stone in the river, flinging from one day or week to the next, and rarely connecting, and then only long enough to catch my breath before getting swept away again.

None of us knows how long we have – but what we do know is that today and tonight, and right now we do have time to demonstrate love – with a word, a note, a touch.

Here’s to whatever time we have remaining – may we all fill it with love of our wives – so the very thought of us fills their hearts with Love.