First Among Equals
I’ve always wrestled with this idea: the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and yet somehow, we’re equal. For years, I didn’t know how to resolve this. If God holds us, as husbands, responsible for the family, doesn’t that mean we have the final say? The “buck stops here”? How can we be equals at the same time as me having the final say – being the one in charge of the marriage?
And then there’s the other part I kept hearing – this idea that husband and wife are equal, that we’re partners in everything. I’ll admit, part of me felt like that contradicted the whole “leader” thing. And yet, deep down, I knew something was missing in the way I was looking at it.
Then, at a marriage conference, Fr. Gruhn said something I’ll never forget: “Husbands should see themselves as first among equals.”
And another comment from a good friend: “When you’re the ‘head’ you’re not in charge of people. You are responsible for them.”
And in a moment of clarity and Grace, everything became clear. True leadership isn’t about being in charge – it’s about being first to serve, first to love, and first to take responsibility for the well-being of those entrusted to you.
What Does It Mean to Be “First Among Equals”?
Think about it this way: when a team is in the middle of a crisis – whether it’s firefighters running into a burning building or soldiers in the middle of battle – the leader isn’t barking orders like a tyrant. A real leader is in the thick of it, working alongside his team. He knows their strengths, trusts their instincts, and listens to their input. Sure, he has the final say, but he’s not making decisions on his own.
It’s the same in marriage. Being “first among equals” doesn’t mean I’m more important than my wife or that I should call all the shots. It means I’m responsible for loving her well, for serving her, for guiding our family with humility. And a big part of that means recognizing her gifts – because let’s be honest, there are so many areas where she’s way better than me.
I’m learning that leadership isn’t about making every decision myself. It’s about leaning on my wife’s strengths, listening to her perspective, and trusting her wisdom. And when I do that, we make a much better team.
The Hard Truth About Leadership
Here’s where I need to be honest with myself – and with you. I don’t always get this right. I’ve known this about being first among equals for years, but there’s still so many times when I’ve acted like being “the head” means I don’t need to listen. Times when I’ve dismissed my wife’s ideas or gotten defensive because I didn’t want to admit I was wrong.
Looking back, I see how much damage that kind of pride does to a marriage. And the worst part? I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time.
But here’s the good news: I don’t have to stay stuck in those patterns. None of us do. Every day is an opportunity to grow, to lead better, to love better. And the more I focus on being the kind of husband who serves instead of controls, the more I see how God designed marriage to work.
Leading Like Christ
Here’s the thing: being “first among equals” isn’t about having a title or authority. It’s about reflecting Christ’s love for the Church – a love that’s sacrificial, selfless, and humble. Christ didn’t lead by dominating; He led by serving. He laid down His life for His bride.
That’s what we’re called to as husbands. We’re responsible for our marriages, yes. But that responsibility should drive us to our knees, asking God for the grace to lead well – not for our sake, but for the sake of our wives and families.
So, here’s my challenge to myself – and to you. Let’s stop thinking about leadership as power or control. Let’s start seeing it as a call to love, to serve, and to lift up the incredible women God has placed in our lives.
One Final Question
Think about your wife – your bride – and reflect on at least one strength of hers that you’ve overlooked. How can you honor that strength with gratitude and by inviting her to share in the responsibilities you carry?