Years ago – or perhaps it just feels like years – a couple facing serious struggles asked Melissa and me for advice.
We were in a panic! I love Melissa deeply, and she somehow loves me, but translating that love into guidance for others felt daunting. How could we possibly offer sound advice?
An hour before our meeting, clarity struck and we started writing:
Be united – truly united – for God’s sake. That’s the very essence of your vows. You committed to leave everyone else behind for your spouse’s sake. God saw this from all eternity, recognizing that your unique strengths and weaknesses were designed to fit together perfectly, like pieces of a beautiful puzzle. So act like it – be united.
Beyond the confessional or a trusted, same-sex friend, no one should ever know about your disagreements. No public arguing, no undermining, no tearing each other down. To your children, friends, colleagues, and the world, you must present a united front, a rock-solid image of mutual admiration and respect, no matter the challenges you’re facing privately.
Why? Because as soon as you refuse to damage your spouse’s reputation with others, you’re already well on your way to healing. In that newfound quiet, you can finally hear what’s truly going on in your marriage: the real challenges and the selfishness that needs uprooting.
Give everything to your marriage. Not just 50%, not even 80% – but 100%. Whoever loves the most gives the most. Stop focusing on what you aren’t receiving and start seeing what you haven’t yet given. Pray for the grace to pour your whole heart and strength into your marriage. It might not change overnight, but trust that God is listening, and change will come.
To him: Adore your wife openly. Kiss her in front of the children, show her your desire, and pursue her relentlessly. Marriage isn’t a box to check off – it’s a lifelong mission. She should be your central focus until one of you leaves this world. Never stop seeking her joy, her peace, and her happiness.
To her: Be proud of your husband. Speak highly of him to your children and friends. Remember, he vowed before God and witnesses to be judged for your salvation and that of your children. Every day, he faces the trials of this world for you. There’s no applause, no reward. He simply does it for love of you and your family.
To both: Work on your marriage constantly. Pray together, attend Mass together, approach the Communion rail together. Absorb good teachings – read, listen, grow. And remember, when you neglect your marriage, there’s about a six-month delay before the cracks become apparent. And when you resume working on it, it will take another six months for the good effects. So don’t stop. Your marriage is that critical. After your own soul, your spouse’s soul is your highest priority.
Accentuate each other’s strengths. Overlook each other’s faults. And then, focus on your own flaws. Work to lessen the suffering you’re causing your spouse through your imperfections.
Be patient. Be at peace. The changes will come, and as they do, your marriage will grow sweeter and open in full bloom.